I’ve drug tested thousands of people over the last 12 years. When someone is sent to my clinic for a drug test, and they know they’ve been using drugs, the thought of losing their job causes desperation to set in. So, just when I think I’ve seen it all, somebody gets a new bright idea on how to keep from flunking their test. Here are some of my favorites:
Drop It Like It’s Hot – The urine sample was so hot it was steaming! No, that didn’t come from your body and you don’t have a 130 degree fever. Also, I once burned my hand on a urine sample. It went right through my latex glove. Unbelievable! How did it get this hot? People use heat packs to warm up cold urine samples they got from someone else.
Cold As Ice – A guy brought in a urine sample that was so cold it felt like it was sitting in the freezer. Thought he kept it in his car in case he had a random test. My clinic is in the Chicago suburbs — it gets cold here in the winter.
Jesus Loves Me – One time a man said that Jesus would not let him do drugs and actually took a picture of Jesus out of his wallet. Then he flunked.
Ur So Gay – I was once accused of being a homosexual because a guy cheated and he was caught and then a witnessed collection had to be performed. (This is when the collector has to watch the person urinate into a cup.)
Doesn’t Matter if You’re Black or White – Saw a white guy with a black Whizzinator. He wasn’t even smart enough to get the right color! These things aren’t cheap and when one person buys it they sometimes loan it out. This might have worked if it wasn’t a black Whizzinator penis strapped to a white male.
Because I Got High – One guy brought in a fake sample (it was too cold so I know it wasn’t his own urine) and still tested positive. The employer said that this guy hasn’t done marijuana in a year. The guy said that he hadn’t smoked in over a year. Since he tried to cheat, he probably has been doing drugs . . . and so was the friend that gave him the sample!
I’ve Got Five On It – I’ve had people in my clinic think that marijuana stays in your body for 5 years! So they go to great lengths to cheat when they don’t need to. Where do they get these ideas?
When Irish Eyes are Smiling – Even the Irish don’t have green urine. Dipping the drug test cup into the toilet to try to dilute the sample turns your urine green because blue dye is applied to the toilets before drug testing is performed. You would be amazed by how many people actually try this.
My Little Runaway – I’ve had people fake illness right before drug test and run away — out of the building!
Mother’s Little Helper – “My mother is dying I just got a call from the hospital.” He couldn’t wait and had to go now.
Deuce Bigalow – For some tests, I’m required to be in the bathroom at the same time, though not necessarily actually watching the donation. One guy thought he could get me to leave the room by announcing that he was going to “have to drop a deuce first.” I stayed and still got the sample, but I was ready to get out of there after a few minutes!
I’m too Sexy – For hair tests, I’ve had guys come in completely shaved — everywhere. Head, chest, pubic hair, arms, legs, everywhere! They said that they do that because it pleases their sexual partners.
Dare to be Stupid – One time I caught a guy who had substitute urine strapped to his leg. What was the container he used for the urine? A D.A.R.E. water bottle!